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Tuesday, 22 October 2013

'Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed....'

Today I am going to share a dating story with you.  Without embellishment it could fill seats at the Odean Leicester Square!

I had been on Match.com for a number of weeks with a few single dates under my belt (note I didn't say below my belt) but not much to write home (or here) about.

I then got a message from a man called Ian.  I would normally ignore any correspondence from someone who doesn't show their picture on their profile because this immediately throws up a red flag (RF).  This says two things to me - that they are married or in a relationship or they are not your average Brad Pitt.  I cannot remember how he persuaded me to start messaging him; but I do recall that his profile read pretty well - not too brief and not too long and egotistical.  After a couple of days messaging, I asked him to email me a photo and then mistakenly gave him the wrong email address!  He was obviously eager to share his picture as he succumbed and posted it on his profile on Match.com but then got a little tetchy with me because once the photos were on there they couldn't be removed!!(Served him bl**dy right if he had a reason for them not to be on there).

When I heard they were on the site I opened up his profile and was far from disappointed. Our Ian was a bit of alright.  If I had been in the room when one of the photos was taken his beautiful pressed black shirt would not have stayed on his beautifully sculpted chest for long!! Phwaw. I knew he must be good looking, because when I showed the photo to my sister in law she said 'Wow he's really nice looking.' That's what she said but from the way she said it I understood her to have meant 'Wow, I can't believe he is interested in you'.  

A couple of days later he asked if he could call me.  The conversation flowed pretty well but wasn't as relaxed as it could have been.  Regardless we agree to meet at a sculpture park near Leeds.  I was of course excited to meet the gorgeous Ian and was not happy that it was peeing it down that day and I do not possess a sexy mac.  One thing stuck in my mind as I prepared to meet him and that was his warning that he is very demonstrative.  Talk about an understatement!

I was the first to arrive and sought shelter inside the main gallery.  He text me to say he had arrived, so I made my way out to the covered walkway.  As I walked out he stepped out in front of me.  I wasn't too disppointed.  He was a little shorter than he'd told me (they always are) but he was very good looking with mesmerising green eyes.

Within minutes he has told me that I am far more attractive than my profile pictures - they always say that - but I thanked him anyway.  We started looking round and I made small talk while he took us on a circuitous route round the gallery that for some strange reason kept involving trips up and down in the lift. As we walked around he was doing a fabulous impression of Meg Ryan in the closing scene of Sleepless in Seattle where she says nothing but cannot take her eyes off Tom Hanks.  I was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable - lovely and flattering as the attention was.

We began to get into our stride and about 20 minutes in we come across a sculpture which is basically a shower cubicle made from various colour glass bricks.  It was about 3 foot square.  He asked me if I wanted to step inside.  Not wanting to miss out on any art installation experience, I agree.  We step inside and he closes the door behind us. It is cosy.  What do you say to a stranger while standing fully dressed in a 3 foot wide glass shower cubicle?  He asks me if I feel comfortable being in there with him.  What I should have said to that was 'I would feel more comfortable on my own with a loofa and a bar of soap' perhaps.  I hope I timed my exit so that it didn't come across as a bolt but was long enough to show my appreciation of the artwork and my pseudo comfort of being with him in there.

We headed outside next and he asks to take my hand.  Why not?  I am beginning to feel more at ease now and the banter between us increases.  The rain has eased off too, so we take a stroll round the grounds.  He stops at one point and takes my other hand.  He locks me in with his mesmerising green eyes and I sense he is moving in.....  I choose to ignore it and glance away, but when I glance back he is still staring and he moves in.  Talk about an 'Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed' moment!!  I can hear the music beginning to reach a crescendo.  One would normally have had to sit through 90 minutes of build up to this point at the Odean, but with 'Gorgeous Ian' it was less than 30 minutes in - the first kiss!  I cannot dispute it was a great kiss!  When we eventually pull apart he says 'I wanted to kiss you the minute I saw you'.  (WIAPOSWYNO?).

Well the flood gates opened from that point on and I allowed a wave of flattery and compliments to wash over me.  'You are striking' 'You are gorgeous' 'I cannot believe you are single' 'I cannot believe I have met you' are just a few I remember.  I felt like I was in a candlelit bathroom submerged up to the neck in a bath of warm honey.

One point in the date was without doubt the most surreal moment of my life.  We are sitting alone in a silent art gallery.  The lighting is very dim apart from spotlights trained on 9 ethereal alabaster busts of androgenous figures arranged in the centre of the room (one of the most moving installations I have ever seen).  When he is not kissing me he is saying all the things I want to hear quietly into my ear.  Talk about erotic.

It was strange to walk back out into reality, but that's what we did and headed up to the cafe for a cup of tea.  He chose a cream cake that was smothered in icing sugar and one bite in, he got a full sugar moustache.  He must have known that it was there, but he said and did nothing.  I ask if he would like me to get him a napkin.  'No, why?' he asks. 'Do you have a problem with me looking like this?' 'Not at all' I tell him.  He continues to sit there with his sweet  'tache until I can stand it no more and fetch him a napkin.  He wipes it clean 'Happy now?' he asks...  I got the distinct impression that this was pre-planned...

Getting bored yet?...... No. Good.

We moved on to another gallery in nearby Wakefield  and it was much of the same; including a kiss fest in his Volvo (far too clean - RF).  Every time he came up for breath he would say my name or simply utter 'wow' in a sultry voice.  He was good, I will give him that.  To say he had honed his craft was an understatement.

Finally we found a pub for a late lunch.  More alarm bells started ringing when he ordered the food and came back to the table with a large wooden spoon with our table number on it.  Need I say more.  He was handling that spoon with something very definite in mind - and I don't mean baking!  He gave me a knowing look as he tapped it against his palm.  I raised an eyebrow but left it at that...

We ended up back at the sculpture park so I could pick up my car.  On the way he was talking about wanting to see me again and how we should try and plan our weekends without kids so we could spend them together.  All promising - or so I thought...

I hadn't even left the carpark before I received a text from him telling me that he was 'completely blown away by the last few hours and how no-one had ever had such an instantanious effect on him' (APOSP).

I saw him a week later.  (you will be very relieved to hear that this is the last time I saw him as you nod off in your chairs).We went to the cinema to watch 'Girl with the Dragon Tatoo.'  An erotic film and quite an erotic 90 minutes sitting beside him.... After we came out he was analysing the film and why I had chosen it; particularly emphasising the bondage scenes!  By the time we got to Pizza Express afterwards he really let his hair down and asked me two mouthfuls into my salad what I liked in the bedroom.  Once I had finished choking I brushed him off and rapidly changed the subject.

We planned another date a week later (I was kind of intrigued by him at this point).  Four days later he mentions in a text that he had a chest infection.  I tell him I understand if he needs to cancel our date. He texts the day before the date to say he is really ill - doesn't actual say that he can't make the date, let alone discuss re-scheduling.  I didn't hear from him until a week later and he uses the excuse that he was on business in Iceland (I assumed the country, but as I type this, I am beginning to wonder....) and left his personal phone at home.  Hmmm no internet in Iceland???  He kept in touch for a couple of weeks with vague texts hinting at possible dates, but then he disappeared - for good.   Oh until about 2 months ago (18 months after I last saw him) when he asked to link in with me on Linked In.

# Bizarre

Glossary of Terms
WIAPOSWYNO - where is a pinch of salt when you need one
RF - Red flag
APOSP - another pinch of salt please.


© Claire Pryce and Pushing 50 in a 40 Zone, October 2013 to date.

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4 comments:

  1. I remember hearing about Ian. I say you were lucky in the end. Something very fishy about all of his behavior. He must also have big cojones (perhaps not quite 12 stone, mind you) to ask you to link in with him. :)

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  2. I don't know about having the balls to contact me again, I would say the audacity! What is even fishier is that the guy I dated this summer had the profile name 'Euzian' and lived in the same village as Ian and had a neighbor called Ian. Kind of makes you think doesn't it..... Possible passing along names of those tried and tested. Thank goodness I never put him truly to the test!!!

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  3. I don't see what's so fishy. I lived together with a cheater. 'Ian' is displaying classic MOIAR behavior (Married Or In A Relationship).
    Jeana

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  4. Hi Jeana,
    Thanks for commenting and reading my blog. I should write another post listing all the signs!
    Claire

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